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SNL does the debate. Alec Baldwin nails his Trump impression.
From humorlabs.com (I sometimes contribute to these lists)
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The Top 16 Differences If the Election Were Run by Dogs
16> Vote tabulation has to be restarted every time someone spots a squirrel.
15> Lots of growling whenever someone praises âour vets.â
14> Ballots would be cast by urinating on the candidate. Hey, what a great idea!
13> âWhatâs that, Lassie? You say Grandpa Tim might have accidentally voted for Hillary?â
12> Debates preceded by a few minutes sniffing moderator ass.
11> Entire election thrown into chaos when itâs alleged that thousands of voters appeared to throw ballots into box but actually just hid them behind their backs.
10> Voters even more easily distracted by butterfly ballots.
9> Donald Trump caught rubbing bacon grease next to his name on all paper ballots.
8> No sense in trying to throw your vote away â theyâll just retrieve it.
7> âExit Pollingâ just a fancy name for butt sniffing.
6> The constant barking, whining and sniffing at each other would be more understandable than it is now.
5> âMr. Candidate, please respond to the question: Do you wanna go to the park? Huh? Huh? Wanna catch the ball?â
4> Americans forced to decide between lesser of two beagles.
3> Campaigning for Hillary, Al Gore looks for an edge by changing his name to Al Po.
2> âAnd if you elect me president, I promise to execute Mariah Carey.â
and HumorLabs's Number 1 Difference
if the Election Were Run by Dogs...
1> No difference at all: Either way, you end up with a steaming pile of democracy!
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
==================================================================
The Runners Up & Honorable Mention submissions
Runners up were almost good enough to make the main list,
but got edged out by other submissions. Honorable mentions
were good enough to still deserve some recognition.
Differences If the Election Were Run by Dogs
RUNNERS UP list -- Down, Boy
Although not in one of the two major parties, Jill Stein still lands 100% of âyappy little dog vote.â
âAnd let me also point out that the commissioner, Ms. Fifi, has been a hardworking, dependable and all-around spectacular bitch.â
âI knew Rin Tin Tin. I chased cats with Rin Tin Tin. And you, Rover, are no Rin Tin Tin.â
Ballots too confusing? Time to put grandma to sleep.
Democratic Party workers roundly criticized for driving miniature Chuck wagon through Detroit as part of a âget out the voteâ effort.
Eligibility to vote is permanently lost for any human who has ever â intentionally or unintentionally â pretended to throw a stick but did not actually throw it.
Entire election thrown into chaos when several elderly voters in Palm Beach county accidentally fall into wells, triggering a âLassie effectâ crisis among election workers.
Four words: Leg-humpinâ Democrat attorneys!
In a close race, the candidate with the stinkiest butt wins.
Out: Butterfly ballots
In: Dried beef liver ballots
Rampant claims of mailman intimidation.
Recount process: âTwo votes for Hillary; two biscuits for me!
Three votes for Trump; three biscuits for me!!â
Republican concerns about counting ballots by paw might actually seem legitimate.
Differences If the Election Were Run by Dogs
HONORABLE MENTION list -- Yo Quiero Comedy
âMake sure you pee on the first fireplug for Trump and the SECOND fireplug for Hillary!â
270 wet electoral hydrants required for victory.
All hanging chads sniffed to determine the votersâ intent, and in the event of a dispute, piddled on.
Although not known for their counting skills, they still would have figured out who won days ago.
Anyone named âKatzâ would be immediately disqualified.
Back-alley dirty politics mostly confined to fighting over the contents of the Italian restaurantâs trash cans.
Ballots in Palm Beach, Florida triple-sized for the benefit of the slow-witted canines found there.
Brings a whole new meaning to âmarking the ballot.â
Close elections now decided by recount, absentee vote, and âretrievedâ votes.
Donât bother to bring your voter registration card. A simple sniff between the legs is all that is necessary.
Election disputes would be settled in a contest between the two strongest males and their pack, struggling for supremacy and the right to be called the alpha mal⌠Er, never mind.
Frisbee catching? The masses will decide. Frisbee throwing? Step up to the podium.
If your opponent says youâre a dog, you can pretty much say, âWell⌠yeah.â
Instead of a concession speech, losing candidate must lie on his back, fully exposing privates and soft underbelly to winning candidate.
Losing candidate demands investigation and recount; Election Commission immediately turns on him and tears him apart as a pack.
Losing candidates whacked on the butt with a newspaper and forced to sleep in the garage for the night.
Missing ballots found in greyhoundâs urine sample.
Much debate about the value of the Electoral Collar.
Negative ads now proclaim opponent âincreased spending on Friskies over 200%!â
Out: stumping
In: humping
Palm Beach Lhasa Apsos protesting the fact they couldnât see the ballots correctly due to too much hair in their eyes.
Roll the candidate on his back and scratch his belly. If his left leg starts twitching, thereâs your winner.
Run-off only necessary in the event of squirrels.
The recount wouldnât just be a figurative pissing contest.
Theyâd keep the fat cats out of Washington.
Votes of strays are easily bought with âBegginâ Strips.â
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Didnât Gerard Depardieu move to Russia to avoid paying taxes? They could be rommies.
I think theyâd make a nice couple.
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Iâd like to see a meme with Trump and Depardieu holding hands and salivating over a pic of a shirtless Putin together.
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Exactly!
http://hfhy64.com/images/gerard-depardieu/gerard-depardieu-02.jpg
http://static.pulse.ng/img/incoming/origs4444193/1275569953-w644-h429/donald-trump-1-600x337.jpg
If I knew what I was doing, Iâd put these three together somehow.
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Hereâs another SNL clip. Sorry I canât link more directly. SNL cockblocks Canada. Oh the irony.
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Dear Airlines
Dump the male flight Attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with YOUNG good-looking strippers! What the hell! They donât even serve food anymore, so whatâs the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a âparty atmosphereâ going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldnât need a salary, thus saving even more money.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win - win situation if we handle it right â a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didnât Bush or Obama think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely, Donald Trump
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