Why Getting Married In Heaven Is The Worst Idea Ever.
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. 9 weeks passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
‘Yes,’ he informs the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’
‘Great!’ said the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. ‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.
‘OH, COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer ?
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.” “Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. "I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “ Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?"
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is right next to a golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it, and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
"Not everybody pays.”
Fred and Mary got married.
But they can’t afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred’s parent’s home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, “No”.
Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
She replies, “No.”
Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.”
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
His mom says “No.”
He asks, “Do you know what I think?”
His mom replies, “Ok, ok, tell me what you think!!!”
He says: “Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.”
THESE ARE (supposedly) ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
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My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life. -
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I wake up screaming. -
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not… -
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed. -
I thought that I could love no other,
That is until I met your brother. -
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head. -
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don’t take that paper bag off your face. -
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes,
Damn, I’m good at telling lies! -
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way? -
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel.
Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever was. He had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organizers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds.
That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried their best but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and threw them all off with the greatest of ease.
As a joke, the organizers then offered the prize to anyone in the crowd who would dare to tangle with such a beast.
Up jumped Tommy and of course everyone laughed at him. But the organizers decided to let the city boy have a try.
Blue Steel bucked and lunged but Tommy not only stayed on the horse for 10 seconds but he stayed on for 20 seconds, then 30, then a minute! A few minutes more and Blue Steel was so exhausted he calmed down and Tommy rode him all around the ring like a birthday party pony.
Everyone was astonished.
“Considering you’ve never even sat on a horse before,” said Tommy’s friends, “how on earth did you manage that?”
“Easy,” said Tommy, “my wife’s an epileptic.”
Hi yooooo!
By popular demand:
I saw a Nazi-era handgun at a Pawn Shop. Apparently, someone had hocked a Luger.
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one can click to embiggen if one needs to
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I can’t see it.
I don’t remember what it was, I’m pretty sure it was dryly cerebral, and very funny tho.