Doesn’t that make him a “sexopus”?
Yeah because Octopussy was already taken.
Dead animals aren’t funny but wheeeeee!
Lol. I never got around to setting up my Gopro for filming my weed harvest so I might just use it as a dash cam.
It needs to be here too…
The best part about pooping with the door open in the morning is being able to see everyone’s face at Starbucks.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Rihanna’s ass is like tropical fruit.
She’ll let any mango in there.
I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. I told them to screw off. Anyone who fits into my clothes isn’t starving.
An Irish boy is crying by the side of the road.
A man walking by asks “What’s wrong, son?”
The boy says “Me Ma is dead”
“Oh bejaysus” the man says “Do you want me to get Father O’Riley?”
The boy replies “No thanks Mister, sex is the last thing on me mind right now.”
The reason old men use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It’s that old women are so very, very ugly.
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
One of the seven dwarfs has been arrested, for screwing a giraffe…
Apparently the other six put him up to it.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time… does Melania get to keep the White House?
A blonde goes to the dry cleaners.
She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned.
However, the attendant wasn’t paying attention. Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, “Come again?”
Giggling, the blonde replied, “No, just mustard this time.”
On the morning that Daylight Saving Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with shoe polish.
I said to him, “You better get your hearing checked - You’re supposed to turn your clock back.”
That needs a joke with it like…
He died for our sins and didn’t even get to see any
In my younger years, I was having a hot and bothered chat with a guy. He liked to use lube when stroking but had run out so he decided to use white shoe polish instead. Things were getting hot and heavy when he started screaming. “It’s burning! It’s burning!” He ripped his dick up something fierce.
Moral of the story: Shoe polish is not a substitute for lube.
I was walking down the sidewalk when I saw a man who had no feet.
I went over and kicked the living shit out of him.
Hey, what can I say, I’m lack-toes intolerant.
Girl comes in for a Checkup
A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red ‘H’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ‘Y’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green ‘M’ on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor.
“No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?”